My past haunting me

 Today I rook a journey into my past. I realized that I could never live up to expectations. I never listened to the people I loved.

I found a letter where my ex husband is really angry and writes that I should not take his children to the Mayan village of my new boyfriend and father of my 5th child.

I made some really shitty choices. Maybe I still do. SOme dont turn out that bad. But some turn out super super bad. 

Also I just read, that my stepmother wanted me to go to Zurich ti see my Dad one last time, before the ALzheimer took its toll. I didnt go. I was so caught up in my own drama as a mother. No support really. Shit, what would I give to see my father again. Why did I not go? No money, the whole drama that I couldnt get my shit together. 5 young children. 

I did leave them with a family and abuse did happen. My children are surviving my choices as well. How we have this inner dialogue, that we are doing the right thing. 

In my profession I always feel I do it right. SHit there is so much I dont know, havent studied. 

Today I am facing my shadow. I am turning around, to look at a woman, struggling to stay well on this earth. Move forward through life. Support her children, ALways trying to move forward for love. 

Always striving to love. I am just another blinded fool. Everything is an illusion. 

Today this fear hit me, that I will have to face loss, death. There is really not a happy ending to this all is there? Or is there?

I have made mistakes along the way. Many. I wish I could see my father again. I wish my daughter wouldnt have to have suffered what she did. Or my son. I wish my children would have had a happier me, a more balanced me. 

I feel my life has gone along. There are many things I cannot change. I am sorry, I couldnt be the person I needed to be, to make others happy and feel loved and safe.

I am sorry I made poor decisions, that affected my children. I am sorry I get into these states. These states, where I could not really care. 

Great Mother Goddess, thank you for sharing the life/birth experiences with me. Thank you for giving me the strength to carry on through life. When I was a young girl, I felt weak. You gave me the strength.

Thank you Sabrina for not giving up on myself. I love you. I forgive myself, for not being this perfect being. I forgive myself, for being a shit head, for being icecold, for making stupid decisions, thinking I was making the right ones. I am forgiving myself, for not taking care of myself and walking into dangerous situations, letting other people abuse me. I forgive myself, for not being able to protect myself or the ones I most love. I forgive myself for being naive, trusting people I shouldnt, not knowing how to put limits. I forgive myself for my anger. My deep deep anger. I forgive myself for hating my body. For hating my looks. For feeling inferior. 

I forgive myself for the chismosa I am, to make myself feel validated and ok, when I am insecure. I forgive myself for having the worst relationship with food. FOr overeating. For smoking for many years. FOr being fat. FOr being old. FOr not having taken care of mysel. For being disorganized and not spiritually spot on. I forgive myself for being the absent mom. Not because of work, because sometimes motherhood overwhelms me. I forgive myself for all the bad thoughts I have generated towards people I love. I forgive myself for not being the perfect woman for the man I love. I forgive myself for not fully being able to love. 

I am a broken being, in much need of live. Today I give myself this love. I will try to generate tru deep self and unconditional love towards me. I am sending unconditional love to this planet and earthplane I inhabit and my children and future generations will inhabit. I honor everything, even the system. It is all part of this reality plane I was given a chance to become aware of. Thank you Great Mother. For your support, for your strength and your great great love. Thank you

man and woman in union

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I met my first husband after many failed shortterm relationships. I was sick of being uncomitted and of my partying/superficial lifestyle. I hoped heaven would give me the oportunity to be more comitted towards someone and so be able to build a family. I was 23, living in Zuerich, when I met my first husband. We connected instantly, both were looking for something more profound in life. From day one we spent together in union. It was intense. I had just gotten back from India. When I had close encounters with snakes on 2 occacions. I thought that these sightings were a sign that something lifechaning was going to happen in my life. Then on my first day back home in Switzerland there was a snake sunbathing on the stairs of my mother´s house! Definitely something was going to happen. Well after 2 months of union and thousands of visions, dreams and fantasies I discovered I was pregnant. The union was so strong for me, I had complete contact with my baby and knew it was a girl. I felt something overwhelmingly strong in my heart. I felt like the universes merged to create something new.
But reality hit me, when I realized that my partner did not feel ready for this step to become father and fell back on his addictions. My dream of holy union popped. I felt alone and unprotected. But my daughter gave me such an inner strength, that I was ready to fight for everything. Unfortunately I lost the battle against the substance addiction, but in the process recieved a lot of wisdom about life and it´s difficulties of being congruent and start doing what you believe in.
We had moved from Switzerland to the caribbean coast of Mexico, in search of a new life. We had three more children together. Each child came to me in dreams, I instantly knew their names and missions. Finally after eight years of battling the addiction took its toll and the relationship dissolved.
The hardest thing wasn´t loosing my partner, but my dreams and all I wanted my life to be. Our breakup, in the midst of the worst bouts of substance abuse, was very traumatic and difficult. There was definitely something that deeply connected us and that´s what made everything hurt so much. Then the children were often used as emotional shields and manipulation. We were very immature and caught up in the currents of life.
I was living alone, alone, alone, taking care of 4 children and trying to make a living. It was hard. I always wanted a big family but with a partner. God please send me someone willing to live family life with me and my 4 children. I believe very strongly. I believe in the power of love. And one day I meet my second husband, in my house! I´ll never forget his deep penetrating look. It hipnotized me and I heard him talk to my mind, that he deeply loved me. It took a while for us to get to know eachother. But when we united we really did. I got pregnant pretty fast, again a holy union. He was happy to become a father, so happy. But equally suffered from alcohol problems. I felt like I was reliving the same movie. I realized I had to change my ways. I began to focus all my energy on healing myself. It was a very difficult time for the new realtionship and we separated. I had his first son on my own. Then I felt I had to show him his son. When he was 4 months old we met again. Since then we had 2 more children. We are both working on ourselves and very close, eventough the toughest lesson was learning to give eachother space. The story continues.............

THE LIVING PROJECT

Cosmic wisdom coming alive

This blog is about my life experience as a woman, lover, partner, birthing woman, midwife and mother of seven children. I was born into this life, on june 16th 1971, in Switzerland and was named Sabrina Joy. This is my life experience, my living project here with you, sharing the same space, time and energy. Over the years I have been trying to discover my purpose and for this reason I will share my experience with you, as you will hopefully with me.